And when I dream, I'm never alone

Why does it seem that whenever something important is going on outside, I end up lost in my own head? Why do I keep looking for answers in a place that no longer exists? And how can something be so comforting and so draining at the same time?  In any case, while my body was in the tube, my... mind? soul? was back in Arcadia. I had a choice to make, apparently. And, as so often happens these days, Alastor and Adam showed up to help me. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I awoke to find myself in a chapel, an eerie light falling through the stained-glass windows. I was surprised to see Fractal awaiting me. I... I think he was dead at the time... in the Icon with me, and the others. We had only talked for a moment when a gust of wind blew out some of the candles, and Alastor (Alastor, yes, but he felt... different somehow) appeared. I remember... I remember Frac was afraid of him. He called him the Hat Man. I laughed then, but... looking back, maybe Frac's fears weren't totaly unfounded. And then Frac was gone, and I was talking to Alastor alone. We stood in front of the two versions of me. I was on the right, Lenore was on the left. I must choose one. But, if both versions of me were in front of me, who was the me that was doing the choosing? I looked down to see hands that were not my own. Young hands. Small hands. Could they have been... I'll get to that later. I digress.  I had to choose one of the two forms put before me.  Alastor told me that the form on the right had an important destiny to fulfill, but would have help. The form on the left would know even more suffering and loneliness, but would be free to make her own choices. While I thought, Adam appeared. He and Alastor talked, first to each other, and then to me. They told me I had to choose, and choose soon. I had to choose whether to fight, or to spread the word. I decided to fight. Partly because it's what I know, and what I'm good at. And partly because I thought that if I chose to fight, Lenore wouldn't have to. I'd fight for both of us. And so I stepped forward, toward the me on the right. Lenore disappeared, as did the back wall of the chapel. Adam told me the show was mine now, and Alastor walked me toward the horizon while I held his hand.


And then, I was on the balcony again. The one where I always wake up. Arcadia stretched out below me, beautiful as ever. Oddly enough, I wasn't surprised to find myself alone. I turned from the edge, and saw familiar glowing chalk marks leading to the door. The chalk had made a keyhole. I brushed my hand over it, and the door opened. On the other side, I found, not Alastor, but a very confused Fractal. He stepped through, without even meaning to, and the door closed. We talked for a moment, but then he began to change. I was afraid he wasn't real, but I couldn't shake the urge to protect him, so I called to him to stay with me. And then suddenly it was no longer Frac standing there, but Alastor. I couldn't help myself. I let myself believe it was him. Really him. Not the enigmatic, distant Alastor I had been seeing, but the REAL Alastor. The one who fought beside me. The one I miss so much. I knew I didn't have much time. He wanted to take me to our old hideout. I would have loved to have gone back with him, spent just one more day with him, had the chance to tell him how I feel. I hate that it took losing him to make me realize how much I care about him, and if I could have the chance to change one thing, it would be that. But, time was too short. I told him what I could. That things were messed up, that he was gone, and I missed him. I'm sure I confused the hell out of him, but it needed to be said. To that Alastor. And then I embraced him. I thought about kissing him, but the look of confusion on his face and the tentative hug I got back made me think just a second too long. And then Alastor was gone, and it was Fractal holding me. He was confused, and maybe even a little bit angry, though I don't think the anger was directed at me. In any case, we quickly pushed each other away. The sternness in his voice as he said  "I'm not him" was warranted. Honestly, I don't think that was directed totally at me, either.  But that doesn't mean it made me feel any better about being confused. For a moment, all I could do was fight back tears and tell him I was sorry. Thankfully, the awkwardness passed quickly. Frac asked me if I knew Atravitus. Do I know him... heh. I thought that wound had healed, but hearing the name again tore off the scab. It must have shown on my face, because Frac said "I'll take that as a yes." He said he had memories of me and others fighting Atravitus. But how could he... If he can remember that, then maybe he might be, or at least partly.... Damn it, Delilah, stop it. It was a dream. Frac was in your head, and those were your memories, not Alastor's. That's all. I should talk to him later and see what he remembers, and if need be, reassure him that I realize who he's not. But, I digress again. I should finish this section of the story. We didn't get very deep into this conversation before the part of the dream I hate most began again. Screaming metal, falling debris... Arcadia was falling. The part of the balcony where we were standing cracked off, and Frac barely grabbed my hand in time. As I hung there precariously, I knew Frac couldn't hold on forever. He was about to fall himself. The thought crossed my mind that I'll be okay if I drop. I wasn't nearly as sure what would happen to Frac if he tumbled down with me. I told him to let go, even started to loosen my grip, but he would hear none of it. After a stunt that ended with Frac's hand impaled on a sharp metal piece jutting from the balcony,  I managed to grab his leg, then his waist. I'm glad I didn't let myself drop. If I'd been wrong, and this hadn't been a dream, Frac was going to need me. And then the door opened. Atravitus walked through and laughed as the pipe Frac has been holding onto finally gave way.  And so we plunged. I know it's selfish, and I really was sorry that I had somehow dragged Frac into this nightmare, but I was glad to not be falling alone. And it probably made me happier than it should have to hear him say he hated Atravitus.

Then I was no longer falling, and Frac was no longer with me. There was nothing but the hill of skulls. I walked toward it, and saw the King in Black on the throne. Lenore was there too, and she came forward to meet me. She seemed so calm, so resigned. She told me that I was too important to let it end like this. That, if there is to be hope for this world, I have to carry on. I responded that she's important, too. She assured me that she was aware of that, but that she had made her choice as well.  I told her I was okay with mine if she was okay with hers. And I told her I was sorry.  She asked me to name her, and I suggested Lenore. But, I think the idea for her name came mainly from her. All she wanted was to not be forgotten.
The King in Black held out his hand, and Lenore stepped forward. I watched as she unraveled into dust and floated away.  My heart ached. So much suffering. Alastor warned me. I just didn't expect that. All I wanted was for her to have a place, too. I didn't mean for her to have to give up everything for me. She'd gotten so little to start with. But, I promise I'll remember her. I said I'd fight, and I meant I'd do it for both of us. And so I will.